Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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