Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
