Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
