the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
