id be glad to
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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