I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
