I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
