Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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