I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
