One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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