my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
