you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
