don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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