apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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