Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
