I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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