I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
