i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
