My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
