i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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