you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
