Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
did i just pee glitter
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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