I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
