Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Randomize
