Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
