i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
