1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
