wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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