my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
