I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
