you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The air was thick with penises
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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