He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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