There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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