doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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