They should really pass out barf bags in church
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
