The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
