I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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