If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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