well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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