someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
then he tried to convert me to islam
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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