I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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