After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
