i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
