he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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