Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
