Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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