If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
