I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
