i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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