I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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