Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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