I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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