Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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