I'm so fucking centered right now
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
