I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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